Sonya's boring life...
About Me

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Location: TEXAS, United States

This blog isn't for any prudes. It is known to be a little comical, a little sick, and sometimes X-rated. Then there is just the moments of pure boring stuff. Quote: 5% of our life is making decisions, the other 95% of our life is dealing with the decision we made.

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Thursday 13




Previously

Hello! Yes, I'm Still Alive......
What Does Your Personality Say About You?
Some People Just Don't Cut It
New Do
Trish's bachelorett Party
Wildflower Festival
Friday Night
Come mer' kitty, kitty
Friday Funnies - Especially for the Women
Yes, I'm an idiot!

Credits

Image from :iStock Photo
Template by :Emily


Saturday, December 31, 2005
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 Out with 2005, In with 2006




Well, out with 2005 and in with 2006. Our New Year's was nice although I wasn't feeling the best. I posted a couple of pics of Max and I for you, then of course one of the KING himself (Elvis) and the other one is Max and his dad. His dad was doing the twist. LOL! Anyway, it was a magical night! Hope everyone had a happy new year!
Sonya said at 11:18 PM
 14 complaints


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 Getting Ready for New Year's Eve

Well, I got home early from work yesterday, which was great. We had dinner plans with a friend. Went and ate and came home and I got so sick. Yes, sick. After having my sinus infection all week and finally feeling better I came down with the virus. What timing! So I got up vomiting my brains out. I was even sicker I paid $100 for tickets tonight that would be non-refundable. Anyway, I finally got out of bed about 2:30. I woke up burning up and think my fever may have broke. I decided I needed something in my stomach and managed to eat 3 or 4 crackers and a glass of water. Then I decided I was hungary so I might actually be well. The only thing that looked good was ice cream. I made a big bowl. I'm sitting here wondering how that milk product is going to do on my stomach. So far, so good. Well, about to get ready to go out tonight. Yes, I'm giong to try to do it. I will not be drinking though. Wish me well. Hope I'm well in the New Year. Happy New Year! The next post will be next year!
Sonya said at 1:34 PM
 3 complaints

Friday, December 30, 2005
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 Misc Thoughts As 2005 Comes To An End
What can I find to wear for New Year's Eve that will be comfortable and slimmerizing? I need something that will take at least 50 lbs off me to make me happy and make my pale skin look tan.

I really like certain smells: fresh rain, fresh mowed grass, fresh flowers, my hair right after I have shampooed and conditioned it, candles that have been burning, fruit, spices, baking good in the oven, etc. No, I don't like to put my fingers under my armpits and smell them when I get nervous. Hint: Super Star.

All the mistakes I have made in the last 30 years do not upset me or get me down. I think I have learned from each of them and they have helped me to become the person I am today. I am an extremely happy person so why change that?

I like all kinds of music and all kinds of people, even though I'm just a country hick.

I have yet to have an extremely magical, romantic moment that has just sweep me off my feet. I hope to experience this one day. Hopefully, it will be a proposal. Yes, I just actually admitted that. I have been married and divorced and think I would like to be married again now since I have someone in my life that treats me so well and that I truly love above all others.

I desperately have baby fever. No, I don't want to borrow yours as some form of birth control. I want my own. Don't understand why GOD hasn't given them to me. I think there is a reason. When it is time, it will happen.

I love to make friends, make people laugh, have people like me and succeed in anything that I do. I hate conflict, liars, cheaters and drug addicts. I do like to get my party on and my drink on. Doesn't this make me double standard?

I can be fun, but old fashion. I like to cook. I believe the woman's job is to cook and clean and the man's job is to do the yard work and keep our vehicles full of gas and serviced. Yes, pink things and blue things. At the same time, I believe women should have their independence and their own career so they lose touch with reality. (I believe a career can be a home maker/housewife/raising the kids) Is this weird, I am old fashion in this way, but still a complete sex maniac who loves to go clubbin'?

So, do you have any thoughts or feelings on any of this or just something you would like to share?

Sonya said at 11:18 AM
 9 complaints


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 Blog Remodel for the New Year
Well, my great friend - FAMOUS AMOS - is always remodeling her home. So why not re-design my blog, right? People keep complaining cuz when browsing in blog land they can't link the next person from my blog. I'm stupid and didn't know how to add linkage. Well, Ames did it for me today. In her findings the template I was using would allow her to add in the linkage. So she changed my template in the process. I'm so glad to have linkage. Ames totally rocks! So, are you happy with my linkage or what? Just wanted to thank Ames for my new design for the new year. I really appreciate it! So, what does everyone think?

Sonya said at 9:04 AM
 10 complaints


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 Adopted Blog Sistah - Princess Mackenzie
http://vbbeachbums.blogspot.com/
I would like to dedicate my Friday blog posting to Mackenzie. I was browsing blogs one day bored out of my mind at work and stumbled across hers. Since then I read it every day. She is a few years younger than I and minds me so much of my self in the day that it is scary. This is one truely remarkable person that will have the most out of life one day when she is ready. She parties to the fullest and is nice to everyone. I would like to deam her my blog adopted sistah! Please raise your glasses to Mackenzie.
Now I would like to dedicate an Alanis Morissette song to Mackenzie. I think it tells my old life and her life now. So from one sistah to another, I think you will get this:
I 'm broke but I'm happy I'm poor but I'm kind I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah I'm high but I'm grounded I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby What it all comes down to Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving a high five I feel drunk but I'm sober I'm young and I'm underpaid I'm tired but I'm working, yeah I care but I'm restless I'm here but I'm really gone I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby What it all comes down to Is that everything's gonna be quite alright I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is flicking a cigarette What it all comes down to Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving the peace sign I'm free but I'm focused I'm green but I'm wise I'm hard but I'm friendly baby I'm sad but I'm laughing I'm brave but I'm chicken shit I'm sick but I'm pretty baby What it all boils down to Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing the piano What it all comes down to my friends Is that everything's just fine fine fine I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is hailing a taxi cab...

So, Mackenzie. I hope you have enjoyed your Friday tribute to the princess you are and I would like to say "Salute". Love ya, girl! Keep me smilin!

Sonya said at 5:57 AM
 5 complaints

Thursday, December 29, 2005
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 New Year Eve Plans
I'm sitting here thinking about New Year's Eve and hoping to leave work early on Friday. So I thought I'd ask, what are you doing for New Year's? Don't laugh, but we have tickets to a hotel function in Dallas. There will be a dinner served, then an Elvis impersonator and a champagne toast. Of course there is a cash bar, so we can get our drunk on. I think it will be fun. Last year, we just went to my FIL's so we could get up and go shopping the next day at the Canton Flea Market. This is something only the locals would understand. I was sick and New Year's sucked ass. The (2) years before that we went to lame parties. I was the dd (designated driver), so it sucked. I got my buzzed then got to be the sober one around a bunch of drunks. I always plan this perfect midnight moment with my and my OH (other half), but it never happens. So this year, I'm planning fun and maybe it will happen. I have found when you are a pisces like me your are quite the day dreamer. You dream up this great stuff just to get let down by reality. So, no dreaming for me this year.
The year before the OH I had a friend/bed buddy/friend w/ benefits kind of man in my life. We had been friends since right out of H.S. and had reunited after my divorce. I went to a party with him. All strangers, but him. It was blast. He played darts with the dead beats, while I played drunk Jenga with a group. We played Jenga and they had written in things to do on each block. For example, switch an item of clothing with someone from the opposite sex, kiss someone of the same sex, take a shot, etc. It was quite a fun party game. You should try it. Anyway, the next thing I knew some guy beside me was wearing my skirt and I was wearing his pants. About that time my date came up and grabbed me for a big midnight kiss. I was impressed. It was romantic in a drunk kind of a way. LOL! Anyway, we are still friends to this day and those strangers have some very interesting pics of me still floating around today and prolly don't even know my name. LOL!
Anyway, my first not love (meaning h.s. or jr high crush), but first real inlove, I want to marry you inlove lived out of town. I had went to go see him when I was 20. While getting ready to go out for New Year's he played the song below to me. Even though it wasn't our song and I shouldn't get sappy since I'm with the love of my life now this song always makes me feel special. I have transferred it to my love now playing it to me instead of an ex. I hope that is allowed, cuz it brings tears to my eyes and for some reason this song makes me feel new year's evey (is evey a word?) even though it has nothing to do with new year's.
Anyway, I just wanted to share this story and the sentimental value this song has to me. So, back to my original point: what is your plans for new year's?

Wonderful Tonight
by Eric Clapton

It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."
We go to a party and everyone turns to seeThis beautiful lady that's walking around with me.And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."
I feel wonderful because I seeThe love light in your eyes.And the wonder of it allIs that you just don't realize how much I love you.
It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight."

Sonya said at 1:39 PM
 5 complaints


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 Party Invite


Above is a party invite to a party we are hosting on Saturday, January 7, 2006. If anyone would like to make a purchase, but is unable t attend, please shoot me an email. I can take orders for you so I can get credit for some freebies. Yeah! Also, if you are interested in hosting a party they can connect you with a consultant in your area and still give me credit. I went to one of these a month or two ago with my friend Amy. Her co-worker Teresa had it for ladies only. It was a blast. So, I'm going to have a couple one, since they have some many items for her only, him only and for couples. Mainly it is a reason to get our drink on, but why not have something fun to talk about at the same time. Right? I'm having it early for the people who have to get baby sitters. Plus, we will be finished just in time to either all go out or we can hang out at the house and continue to drink. Should be fun! We will have raffles, play games and hopefully learn a thing or two. LOL! All orders are confidential, which takes the fun out to me. LOL! Remember, all orders will be in on time for V-day! Post a comment about this or let me know if you need my email. *giggles with an evil grin*

P.S. I did block out my name, address and phone number and the consultant's name, phone number and email for obvious reasons. I mean you might not realize it, but you can't just trust everyone on the web, ya know? LOL!


Sonya said at 8:03 AM
 10 complaints


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 Thursday


Thanks to my great circle of friends for being there when I am down. I'm still congested and losing my voice, but I did go to the doctor yesterday. I'm full of meds and hopefully they are breaking this junk up and getting it out of me before the weekend. I stayed away from the sleepy pills today. I didn't want to be found curled up to my mouse at work sleeping. Ya'll rock!

Sonya said at 7:10 AM
 2 complaints


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 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOUR CO-WORKERS GO ON VACATION







Sonya said at 7:04 AM
 3 complaints

Wednesday, December 28, 2005
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 Safe Sex Dress

Safe Sex Dress

Sonya said at 12:43 PM
 7 complaints


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 Sex With a Texas Cowboy


Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State: 1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que. 2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And.. 3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable! "And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop,then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?" "Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

Sonya said at 11:46 AM
 3 complaints


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 Hang Me Out to Dry

Please hang me out to dry. I have so much sinus pressure. I didn't sleep at all last night. I ached and I was hot, then I was cold with chills. I was just uncomfortable. I have tried it all. I am going to the doctor today at 11:00 to get some drugs. Hopefully I can get well before New Years. Anyway, just wanted some sympathy. *aughchoo* (<----sneeze) Excuse me.

Sonya said at 6:47 AM
 7 complaints

Tuesday, December 27, 2005
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 I'm Being Held Hostage at Work Againist My Will

Well it's back to work today. They had to take me hostage to get me here. I came down with a sore throat last night and I'm getting over my girly monthly visit. What a way to start out a work week. At least there is only (4) days this week. My boss is out of town and I have to go check on his and his daughter's cats. I get to leave work to do it, which is an up side. I'm wondering if I can take a nap at their house? Is that unethical? My throat and head was hurting so bad this morning so I doped up on all kinds of OTC meds. I fell like I'm ready to pass out anytime. Please keep me awake. I'm at your mercy. Welcome back to hell, oops I mean work!
Sonya said at 7:06 AM
 10 complaints


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 Today-International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!""You don't stop laughing when you get old, you get old when you stop laughing"


Sonya said at 7:03 AM
 3 complaints


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 The Guy's Rules
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)We always hear "the rules"From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!


1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
1.If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moonor the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Sonya said at 6:57 AM
 1 complaints

Monday, December 26, 2005
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 Some Christmas Eve Pics at FIL's







Sonya said at 8:03 PM
 6 complaints


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 Some Christmas Day Pics at Mom's








Sonya said at 7:53 PM
 0 complaints


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 Fishing in the Rain
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns,dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog,slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up tothe truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrentialdownpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and thewind was blowing 50 mph.I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,and discovered that the weather would be badthroughout the day. I went back into the house,quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There Icuddled up to my wife's back, now with a differentanticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there isterrible."She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit .."

Sonya said at 7:43 PM
 0 complaints


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 If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly
If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....Deer Santa,I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy allyeer.Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. Howabout I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your olderbrother the space ranger. At least HE cans spell.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for ispeace and joy in the world for everybody!Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like formy mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes,a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'llset you up with a Barbie.
Santa
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Dear Santa,I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots foryour reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face whenriding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy makingtoys?Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas whereI spend most of my time making low- budget porno films. I unwind bydrinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses whilelosing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we'reawake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.I'm skipping your house.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year.Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?Love, Timmy


Dear Timmy,That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crapdoesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
****************************************************
Dearest Santa,We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?Love, Marky

Dear Mark,First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting yourass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in
a low- rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like theboogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams,

Santa
Sonya said at 7:39 PM
 1 complaints


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 5 Reasons To Always Have A Camera On You





Sonya said at 7:36 PM
 1 complaints


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 Carey's Cookies
Well I got home from being out of town on Christmas morning to see a box sitting on my front porch. It was delivered by the mail man on Saturday. To my surprise, it was a some yummy candy cane cookies from Carey. They are so yummy. We are still eating on them. Thanks, Carey!
Sonya said at 9:04 AM
 0 complaints

Friday, December 23, 2005
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 Iggy's Cookies
I got home yesterday and found a package on my front door step. I was so excited. I opened it and had a very full container of coco cookies with festive red and green mm's. Yummy! I was so excited. They were in a container extremly full. I'm leaving town now, but will be taking my cookies with me. Thanks, Iggy.
Sonya said at 8:55 AM
 3 complaints

Thursday, December 22, 2005
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 How You Remind Me
I just really like these lyrics and this song by Nickelback:

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'
Tired of livin' like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feelin
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet?, Yet?, Yet?, no no It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
It must have been so bad
Cause livin' with me must have damn near killed you This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet?, Yet?, Yet?, no no Never made is as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet?, Yet?, Yet?, no no

Sonya said at 12:16 PM
 0 complaints


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 How To Tell If It Is Cold Enough To Put Up Your Christmas Decorations

How to tell if its cold enough to put up your Christmas decorations.

Sonya said at 12:15 PM
 2 complaints


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 Last Blog

I'm sorry to say this, but, this will be my last blog. Things have been a bit tough today, and life is getting shorter and shorter every day. I want to take time and smell the roses.
So... I'm going to quit blogging jokes and wasting my time in front of this computer and travel full time with a biker gang. I want to see the country and enjoy life, while I still can. Don't worry about me - they all seem like really nice people. It has been nice
blogging with you, but, it's time to say good-bye. Please don't even think of missing me as I am planning to have a great time!A photo of the biker gang is above:




Sonya said at 7:03 AM
 15 complaints


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 To All My Blog Biatches......

Someone will always be prettier. Someone will always be smarter. Someone's house will be bigger. Someone will drive a better car. Someone's children will do better in school. And Someone's husband will fix more things around the house. So let it go, and love you and your circumstances. Think about it. The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart. And the richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely. And the Word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing." So, again, love you. Love who you are. Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say "I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!" "Winners make things happen. Losers let things happen." Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman. "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world".

Sonya said at 6:15 AM
 2 complaints


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 Wireless Security System
HOW TO INSTALL A WIRELESS SECURITY SYSTEM IN FOUR EASY STEPS
1. Go to a secondhand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.
4. Leave a note on your front door that sayssomething like "Bubba, Big Mike and me went to get more ammo -back in a few. Don't mess with the Pit Bulls, they just been wormed."

Sonya said at 6:13 AM
 2 complaints


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 One Question IQ Test

One Question IQ Test
Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
I
I
I
I
I
I
V

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses" If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.I've got mine shutting down right now.


Sonya said at 6:11 AM
 2 complaints


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 IRS
Dennis arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man.
Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported income. How do you explain that?"
Dennis replied, "I love to gamble and I always win."
The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.
"I can prove it," said Dennis. "How about a demonstration?"
The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Dennis said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
Dennis removed his glass eye and bit it.
The official's jaw dropped Dennis said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The official could tell Dennis wasn't blind, so he took the bet.
Dennis then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.
The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!
"Want to go double or nothing?" Dennis asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!
Dennis climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much got pee all over the desk.
The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Dennis's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked.
The man replied, "Not really. Yesterday Dennis bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
Sonya said at 6:10 AM
 2 complaints


Bar
 The Darned Mailman
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his Usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars Were in the driveway. His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night," the mailman comments. Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over For Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we played who am I." The mail man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our privates showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Sonya said at 6:10 AM
 1 complaints


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 He's 80, She's 20
He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year oldman married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went intothe hospital to give birth.The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This isamazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keepthat old motor running." The following year the young bride gave birthagain. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"Again he said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well,well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got tokeep that old motor running." The nurse then said: "Well, you betterchange the oil. This one's black."
Sonya said at 6:09 AM
 1 complaints


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 Forgetting Your Wedding Anniversary
A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. "Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there hadbetter be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in twoseconds flat!" The next morning, the wife looked outside and sawa small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for her husband have been set forSaturday.
Sonya said at 6:07 AM
 2 complaints

Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Bar
 Why?
WHY?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you
Sonya said at 1:55 PM
 4 complaints


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 Christmas Humor

What do you get when you cross a pickle and a reindeer?

Sonya said at 7:19 AM
 4 complaints


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 Do You Have Guts or Balls?
Guts & Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

I personally think each of these should be under the stupid category. LOL!
Sonya said at 6:39 AM
 4 complaints


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 The Difference Between Hawaii and Arkansas










This isn't to offend anyone. It is just for some eye candy of a hot Hawaian woman for a change:

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAWAII AND ARKANSAS? Do you know which is Hawaii and which is Arkansas?


Sonya said at 6:36 AM
 3 complaints


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