Happy Hump Day!
For Hump Day, here are some funnies to get you started:

A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!" The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minute! s, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?"

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirrorcomplaining to myhusband that mybreasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it'snot so,he uncharacteristicallycomes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, theneveryday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a fewseconds."Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand infrontof the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts."How long will this take?" I asked"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paperbetween mybreasts every daywill make my breasts larger over the years?"Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walkagain.Stupid, stupid man.

My wife left me...
I don't understand.
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back


P.S. For more funnies you can always go to "Places I Frequent" on my side bar and click on my videos for funny videos. I'll update them weekly.