Tuesday, January 03, 2006
I have drama and I need feedbackWell, I am having family drama and want your feedback. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, I want it straight and I won't get upset at your feelings. First a question, then I'll go into the back ground. This is a little lengthy I want to warn you:
Do you think it is strange if you introduced your brother and his wife and they have childern together that you stay in contact with his wife after divorce?
I had a best friend Heather in Jr high. We went out to eat with her family every Saturday night. Her cousin that was older came with us. Her cousin showed an interest in my older brother. I knew my brother had thought she was hot. So Heather and I played match maker. Well, they ended up married and having 2 very lovely daughters that are my pride and joy.
My brother and his wife split up after about 10 years of marriage. At first I hated her for wanting the divorce. I didn't want to see my brother upset and the girls heart broken. Then I tried to be the bigger person and I understood that I didn't know the whole story and I should just understand and be there for the girls. Well, my brother is an every other weekend dad. I hate to get the girls on his weekend, cuz I know his time is so limited with them. So I usually call his ex to get the girls on her weekends. She always gives me the girls schedules to sporting events and such so I can stay involved in their life. She respects me and I respect her.
My brother doesn't like that I communicate with her. There is much more to the story than this. He is remarried and says I don't treat his wife now like I do the ex. I have called his wife many times to do things and even emailed her. I have never rec'd a return phone call or an email back. He says I don't come to the kids activities with him. I have only been invited to 1 b-day party for the youngest, which I went to and have pics to prove it and one at a restaurant for the oldest and went. He told me the day on the phone I never come. I told him I hadn't been invited, other than one. He says I didn't come to that one. It was a back and forth battle.
So, I admitted I made mistakes. I apologized. He told me he hadn't done anything wrong. There is much more to the story that I'm not even getting into. Before his new wife and him we were as close as a brother and sister could be. First he had this fight with my mom and now me. My granpa passed a few monthes ago and I thought that we were getting closer. Well he blew up today.
We are having a couples party on Saturday. It is an "adult toy" party. So no kids allowed. It is his weekend with the girls so I figure he would want to be with them and he told my mom how horrible my blog was. He has turned into quite the holy roller. So I knew he would not come to my party. He has only been to my house once in the 1 year and 2 monthes I have lived here and we live only 30 min from one another. Then he didn't even sit down. Well he decided he had to do something for his step son and couldn't pick up my youngest neice from a basketball game and asked his ex. She said she couldn't cuz she was coming to my party.
Well he went threw the roof. What makes it even worse is that his new wife and him have a 2 yr old boy. I just finally got to get to know him in the last couple of monthes and now I will not get to see him again. Should I have not invited his ex? I don't understand what the problem is. I have an ex husband and Max has an ex wife. If he speaks to her family I'm not so insecure that I'm going to be upset. Know what I mean?
Well after he found out that I had invited her he left me a message not to call, email, write a letter or to visit him. After we spoke and got no where on the phone, I was told he had done nothing wrong, it was all me and he couldn't get over it. That this had built up for quite some time. I told him we needed to communicate when things bother us and we just needed to work on this together. He wouldn't hear of it. So, I asked him since he didn't want to hear from me if he was writting me off. He asked if that was what I wanted him to do. I told him no. I wanted us to go back like we use to be. He wouldn't hear anything of it.
We aren't very close to my dad's family. My aunt was in town awhile back and I shot him an email that I was meeting her for dinner. He told me tonight that he didn't needed my emails. He didn't care about her and I shouldn't have invited him. So one minute I was in trouble for not inviting then the next minute I was in trouble for inviting. I feel like I was dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.
He ended the conversation with it was costing his cell phone minutes that he couldn't waste on me. So, I told him he had my number to call me when he was ready.
I don't think I'll hear from him. My heart is broken. My dad would be rolling over in his grave if he knew or if he knows that my brother and I are going through this. And.....my poor mom. Her health isn't the best. I don't want this to be an added pressure on her. I'm so upset and I'm so torn. I love my brother. What do I do?
Sonya said at 6:20 PM
Comments:
Sorry if this doesn't all make sense. I was rambling on typing out of my heart and didn't proof read.
Sweetie, give him time. His ex is a wonderful mom and has always been close to you. He's jealous. Remember, she's the one that left him and moved to that apartment. She's the one that takes care of the girls 90% of the time. If you are involved with the girls, you'll have to be involved with her. It's only fair to Jacee and...oh shit. I forgot the younger one's name. How awful! Anyway, point is - your brother is acting like a fucking idiot. I still deal with Travis' family on a daily basis. I go to my (ex) neices' and nephews' birthday parties. My (ex) sil and I are closer than anyone else in the family. My ex can't be bothered with that stuff. And, in my case, my kids would miss out on a lot of time with their family if I wasn't still in communication with the ex's family. Your brother is being pig headed and stubborn. It goes back to that teenage mentality of "If I can't have her, no one else can either" And for him to have changed his life that much since meeting his new wife...well...makes you wonder how happy he really is.
Do you have another family member that might be able to play mediator for the two of you?
Can you talk to his current wife and see if maybe she knows more of what is going on?
I don't see a problem with keeping in touch with his ex, but if it really means that much to him, maybe find out why. Maybe there is a reason that you don't know about?
I wouldn't give up. Keep trying to stay in contact. Then he can't blame you for being the one to give up on the relationship.
Can you talk to his current wife and see if maybe she knows more of what is going on?
I don't see a problem with keeping in touch with his ex, but if it really means that much to him, maybe find out why. Maybe there is a reason that you don't know about?
I wouldn't give up. Keep trying to stay in contact. Then he can't blame you for being the one to give up on the relationship.
And I know you've been to more than one birthday party cause I went with you to Jacee's several years ago, right after they'd split up.
Carey,
He has done a 360 since he remarried. I'm not the first one in the family he has shot out like this. We feel like he is all about his new wife's family now and not his own. Even his daughters think he has changed, but to scared to ever tell him. I asked if it hurt his new wife's feelings and if I could call her to apologize. He told me this was all about him, not her.
He has done a 360 since he remarried. I'm not the first one in the family he has shot out like this. We feel like he is all about his new wife's family now and not his own. Even his daughters think he has changed, but to scared to ever tell him. I asked if it hurt his new wife's feelings and if I could call her to apologize. He told me this was all about him, not her.
Wow. What a jerk. I think he's acting like a brat and he should consider more carefully what division in the family can do to his children.
I wish I had some good advice.
*hugs*
I wish I had some good advice.
*hugs*
it sounds like to me your brother has issues, and he has to realize what is most important "family" and those babies deserve so much more. i have a step daughter that is ten, and even though her mother and my husband were never married she (her mother) still talks like mark is a big part of her life and she still loves him around me but i dont let it get to me because i know the truth, and me and her still get along and are socialable cause of that little girl. sounds like to me he needs to stop thinking of himself and what is best for the children, they are the ones that really hurt. and my advice to you is that no matter what do everything you can to stay in those babies lives, i know they are young but i guarantee they will know their aunt sonya loves them.
# posted by 
: 1/04/2006 07:29:00 AM
: 1/04/2006 07:29:00 AM Innocent,
I think you are right, but I blame him for letting her have that effect on him.
Seana, Thanks. I needed that hug.
MTW - I knew you were having sex. LOL! Thanks!
Anonymous - Those girls love me and their mother will let me be very involved in their lives. Thanks!
I think you are right, but I blame him for letting her have that effect on him.
Seana, Thanks. I needed that hug.
MTW - I knew you were having sex. LOL! Thanks!
Anonymous - Those girls love me and their mother will let me be very involved in their lives. Thanks!
I think the 2 things that stand out to me are:
1. The new wife is a big influence on his opinions.
and 2. He's still hurt from being the one who was left by wife #1
I would give it some time and don't pressure him. It may be best if you just don't bring up the topic of the ex at all around him and she doesn't bring up you either. Although, that may make you feel like you have to hide it from him.
{{{hugs}}}
1. The new wife is a big influence on his opinions.
and 2. He's still hurt from being the one who was left by wife #1
I would give it some time and don't pressure him. It may be best if you just don't bring up the topic of the ex at all around him and she doesn't bring up you either. Although, that may make you feel like you have to hide it from him.
{{{hugs}}}
Awwwwwwwwwww Sonya I'm so sorry this is happening to you. *BIG HUGS* I agree with what everyone has written already. Give him time, keep in touch once in a while and hang in there. *SMOOOCH*
Aw, that all sucks. I'm sorry.
Random bits of advice:
Your brother sounds insecure and angry. It sounds like a lot of things were said in the heat of the moment that he didn't truely mean.
You should be able to be friends with your niece and nephew's mom, but (as Nutz said) you might want to not mention it to him (Don't lie if asked, but don't let it be A BIG DEAL)
Give it a couple weeks and then reach out. Apologize, not for what you've done, but perhaps for what you've said and say how sorry you are things aren't good between you two.
Tell him you love him and you would like to get to know your new nephew and his new wife better. Recognize that you aren't as close to them as you were to his previous family.
If he gets into a silly screaming behaviour, tell him you'll talk later and hang up. Don't let either of you say things you may regret.
If he is upset about previous behaviour (ie the party), try not to get caught up in that. Express enthusiasm for the next party, invite him and wife and baby over for tea and presents.
He sounds like he might be feeling deserted (still being a total idiot) so make sure you let him know he is always your brother.
All advice above is based on the fact you said you wanted to fix your relationship. Other advice can be solicitated if you want revenge.
*grin*
Post a Comment Random bits of advice:
Your brother sounds insecure and angry. It sounds like a lot of things were said in the heat of the moment that he didn't truely mean.
You should be able to be friends with your niece and nephew's mom, but (as Nutz said) you might want to not mention it to him (Don't lie if asked, but don't let it be A BIG DEAL)
Give it a couple weeks and then reach out. Apologize, not for what you've done, but perhaps for what you've said and say how sorry you are things aren't good between you two.
Tell him you love him and you would like to get to know your new nephew and his new wife better. Recognize that you aren't as close to them as you were to his previous family.
If he gets into a silly screaming behaviour, tell him you'll talk later and hang up. Don't let either of you say things you may regret.
If he is upset about previous behaviour (ie the party), try not to get caught up in that. Express enthusiasm for the next party, invite him and wife and baby over for tea and presents.
He sounds like he might be feeling deserted (still being a total idiot) so make sure you let him know he is always your brother.
All advice above is based on the fact you said you wanted to fix your relationship. Other advice can be solicitated if you want revenge.
*grin*