Well, I am having family drama and want your feedback. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, I want it straight and I won't get upset at your feelings. First a question, then I'll go into the back ground. This is a little lengthy I want to warn you:
Do you think it is strange if you introduced your brother and his wife and they have childern together that you stay in contact with his wife after divorce?
I had a best friend Heather in Jr high. We went out to eat with her family every Saturday night. Her cousin that was older came with us. Her cousin showed an interest in my older brother. I knew my brother had thought she was hot. So Heather and I played match maker. Well, they ended up married and having 2 very lovely daughters that are my pride and joy.
My brother and his wife split up after about 10 years of marriage. At first I hated her for wanting the divorce. I didn't want to see my brother upset and the girls heart broken. Then I tried to be the bigger person and I understood that I didn't know the whole story and I should just understand and be there for the girls. Well, my brother is an every other weekend dad. I hate to get the girls on his weekend, cuz I know his time is so limited with them. So I usually call his ex to get the girls on her weekends. She always gives me the girls schedules to sporting events and such so I can stay involved in their life. She respects me and I respect her.
My brother doesn't like that I communicate with her. There is much more to the story than this. He is remarried and says I don't treat his wife now like I do the ex. I have called his wife many times to do things and even emailed her. I have never rec'd a return phone call or an email back. He says I don't come to the kids activities with him. I have only been invited to 1 b-day party for the youngest, which I went to and have pics to prove it and one at a restaurant for the oldest and went. He told me the day on the phone I never come. I told him I hadn't been invited, other than one. He says I didn't come to that one. It was a back and forth battle.
So, I admitted I made mistakes. I apologized. He told me he hadn't done anything wrong. There is much more to the story that I'm not even getting into. Before his new wife and him we were as close as a brother and sister could be. First he had this fight with my mom and now me. My granpa passed a few monthes ago and I thought that we were getting closer. Well he blew up today.
We are having a couples party on Saturday. It is an "adult toy" party. So no kids allowed. It is his weekend with the girls so I figure he would want to be with them and he told my mom how horrible my blog was. He has turned into quite the holy roller. So I knew he would not come to my party. He has only been to my house once in the 1 year and 2 monthes I have lived here and we live only 30 min from one another. Then he didn't even sit down. Well he decided he had to do something for his step son and couldn't pick up my youngest neice from a basketball game and asked his ex. She said she couldn't cuz she was coming to my party.
Well he went threw the roof. What makes it even worse is that his new wife and him have a 2 yr old boy. I just finally got to get to know him in the last couple of monthes and now I will not get to see him again. Should I have not invited his ex? I don't understand what the problem is. I have an ex husband and Max has an ex wife. If he speaks to her family I'm not so insecure that I'm going to be upset. Know what I mean?
Well after he found out that I had invited her he left me a message not to call, email, write a letter or to visit him. After we spoke and got no where on the phone, I was told he had done nothing wrong, it was all me and he couldn't get over it. That this had built up for quite some time. I told him we needed to communicate when things bother us and we just needed to work on this together. He wouldn't hear of it. So, I asked him since he didn't want to hear from me if he was writting me off. He asked if that was what I wanted him to do. I told him no. I wanted us to go back like we use to be. He wouldn't hear anything of it.
We aren't very close to my dad's family. My aunt was in town awhile back and I shot him an email that I was meeting her for dinner. He told me tonight that he didn't needed my emails. He didn't care about her and I shouldn't have invited him. So one minute I was in trouble for not inviting then the next minute I was in trouble for inviting. I feel like I was dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.
He ended the conversation with it was costing his cell phone minutes that he couldn't waste on me. So, I told him he had my number to call me when he was ready.
I don't think I'll hear from him. My heart is broken. My dad would be rolling over in his grave if he knew or if he knows that my brother and I are going through this. And.....my poor mom. Her health isn't the best. I don't want this to be an added pressure on her. I'm so upset and I'm so torn. I love my brother. What do I do?
Can you talk to his current wife and see if maybe she knows more of what is going on?
I don't see a problem with keeping in touch with his ex, but if it really means that much to him, maybe find out why. Maybe there is a reason that you don't know about?
I wouldn't give up. Keep trying to stay in contact. Then he can't blame you for being the one to give up on the relationship.
He has done a 360 since he remarried. I'm not the first one in the family he has shot out like this. We feel like he is all about his new wife's family now and not his own. Even his daughters think he has changed, but to scared to ever tell him. I asked if it hurt his new wife's feelings and if I could call her to apologize. He told me this was all about him, not her.
I wish I had some good advice.
I would write more in support of you (because you deserve it) but frankly I'm too tired still from the late-night S-E-X! ;-)
I think you are right, but I blame him for letting her have that effect on him.
Seana, Thanks. I needed that hug.
MTW - I knew you were having sex. LOL! Thanks!
Anonymous - Those girls love me and their mother will let me be very involved in their lives. Thanks!
1. The new wife is a big influence on his opinions.
and 2. He's still hurt from being the one who was left by wife #1
I would give it some time and don't pressure him. It may be best if you just don't bring up the topic of the ex at all around him and she doesn't bring up you either. Although, that may make you feel like you have to hide it from him.
Random bits of advice:
Your brother sounds insecure and angry. It sounds like a lot of things were said in the heat of the moment that he didn't truely mean.
You should be able to be friends with your niece and nephew's mom, but (as Nutz said) you might want to not mention it to him (Don't lie if asked, but don't let it be A BIG DEAL)
Give it a couple weeks and then reach out. Apologize, not for what you've done, but perhaps for what you've said and say how sorry you are things aren't good between you two.
Tell him you love him and you would like to get to know your new nephew and his new wife better. Recognize that you aren't as close to them as you were to his previous family.
If he gets into a silly screaming behaviour, tell him you'll talk later and hang up. Don't let either of you say things you may regret.
If he is upset about previous behaviour (ie the party), try not to get caught up in that. Express enthusiasm for the next party, invite him and wife and baby over for tea and presents.
He sounds like he might be feeling deserted (still being a total idiot) so make sure you let him know he is always your brother.
All advice above is based on the fact you said you wanted to fix your relationship. Other advice can be solicitated if you want revenge.
THEY decided to end their marriage for whatever reason. Again, not your fault.
Being a child of divorced parents, the only people they are hurting are those girls. Even though my parents didn't discuss things with me, I still knew. Now, they are fine and can talk with one another etc.
If I was his current wife I would tell him to fuck off, b/c he's obviously still hung up on the ex. Just be a good aunt and go to sporting events etc. And, why isn't he at ALL of their events. There is something wrong here and it ain't you.