Friday, January 06, 2006
Oil ChangeOIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000-miles since thelast oil change.
2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.
3) 20-minutes later, write a check and leave with a well-maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT:Oil Change $20.00Coffee $1.00TOTAL: $21.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree; write check for $50.
2) Go by Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Drink a beer to "get started."
4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, have another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing hot oil on you in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on oil drops.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee.
17) Beer.
18) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
19) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car and cleverly dump oil in hole in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid environmental fee.
20) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.
22) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.
23) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil togasket surface.
24) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
26) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard -- along with drain plug.
28) Beer.
29) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly conceal oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
30) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil.
31) Beer.
32) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp edge of frame.
33) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31.
34) Cussing fit.
35) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
36) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.
37) Beer.
38) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood flow.
39) Beer to stop pain....
40) ..Ditto.
41) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Beer.
43) Lower car from jack stands.
44) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
45) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil from steps 23 - 43.
46) Beer.
47) Test drive car.
48) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.
49) Car towed and impounded.
50) Call loving wife; make bail.
51) 12-hours later; bail out car.
MONEY SPENT:Parts $50.00DUI $2,500.00Towing Fee $175.00Impound Fee $75.00Bail $1,500.00Beer $40.00TOTAL: $4,340.00